Drama queen Laurina returns to The Bachelor

The final four — Penrith, Canterbury, South Sydney and the Roosters. Oh wait, I'm thinking of the rugby league. Source: Channel 10

LAURINA confessed to harbouring a secret, feverish lust for pies, Hurricane Amber turned into Volcanic Explosion Amber, and our old favourites tipped a winner.

All that and more in our Bachelor recap, covering the special reunion of Blake's many rejected worshippers. I mean, erm, Bachelorettes. Read on ...

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"Sit down children. Let uncle Osher tell you a story about a magical mansion, full of terrifying princesses." Source: Channel 10

ANITA AND DIANA

Osher starts by asking the two scariest Bachelorettes, Anita the Hunter and Diana the Disney Princess, to discuss their first night on the show. As you may recall, the former spent most of that initial cocktail party stalking the other girls as they tried to enjoy some alone time with Blake.

"I was just very overwhelmed. Acted a little bit ... crazy, I think." Anita says. "I just needed to take a breath and take the situation in."

That's the beautiful thing about Anita. Sure, she's bonkers, but at least she has enough self-awareness to admit it.

"I'm just like, running like a deer with lights in my face," she explains. There you have it. Anita has officially confessed to being Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer in disguise.

"And if you ever saw her, you would even say she glows." Source: Channel 10

Diana reckons Blake should have halted production and declared her the victor before the first rose ceremony.

"I actually think, when I met him he should have been like, you're the one," she says. "And that's the end of the show!"

Sadly, that's rarely how entertainment works. Perhaps she should watch some more Disney films, carefully studying the way in which each movie's conclusion is kept until the very end.

"I've been looking for my Prince Charming for so looooong," Diana moans. I really can't imagine why.

"Diana, I can't believe that guy didn't at least return the gold crown you gave him." Source: Channel 10

LAURINA AND AMBER

These two clashed spitefully early in the season. Anita had finally hunted down some quality one-on-one time with Blake, and Laurina dared to interrupt it. That caught the eye of Hurricane Amber, who thought Laurina had an ulterior motive for appearing on the show anyway.

"It was like, is she here for love, or is she just here to take advantage of the situation and promote herself?" Amber says. "It was offensive to everyone here, who was here to fall in love."

Wait, this show is about love? They've never mentioned that before. Some thematic consistency would be nice.

"It just made me feel a little bit misunderstood," Laurina says of her showdown with Amber. "I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong."

"I'm slowly dying inside." Source: Channel 10

Disappointingly, just as another screaming match beckons, Amber and Laurina decide to make up. Granted, make-up is one of Laurina's specialties.

"Thanks for being explosive, because it was awesome ... it was exciting, and we all ended up having a ball," she says.

"In the end, as time went on, I really did start to see another side of you. And I'm sorry that I had a huge misconception about you," Amber admits.

Another side? What other side? We never saw another side.

"I secretly still hate her heaps." Source: Channel 10

MARY AND AMBER ... YES, AMBER AGAIN

Mary is one of the Bachelorettes who entered the mansion late. She wasn't very popular with the other girls, and she knows it.

"It was like being fed to the lion's den," Mary says, describing her first night on the show. "Laurina death stared me a little bit."

"At that stage we really believed in the process," Laurina interjects, channelling the dense, cliche-riddled vernacular of a business executive. The process? It's just some bloke handing out roses, we're not talking about a corporate restructure here.

"Hey Laurina. You're fired." Source: Channel 10

Osher gives Amber a chance to explain away her numerous tantrums. She is not apologetic.

"When I'm mad, look out. When I'm sad, tears are a'flowin'. When I'm happy, love to laugh, love the LOLs," Amber says. Yes, she just said "LOLs" out loud. Next she'll refer to "the Facebook".

"Honestly, I just can't hold back. It's like this volcanic eruption inside of me that's just like, building, building, building, explosion, lava everywhere, explosions, Amber alerts, Amber alerts, it's all going nuts."

First Amber's a hurricane. Now she's a volcano. The woman is cycling through natural disasters faster than the American midwest.

"Are you still fond of Australian men?" Osher asks, with a little too much interest. Mate, of course she still loves Aussie men. We're bloody excellent.

"Just asking. It's an innocent question." Source: Channel 10

LAURINA, ROUND TWO

Laurina counters the accusation that she had another motive for appearing on the show by impersonating Diana.

"I'm 31 years old, you think I don't want to find love, and have babies, and live happily ever after?" she asks.

That's all very dull, so Osher changes to a juicier subject, bringing up her disastrous solo dates with Blake.

"(Skydiving) was so incredibly painful, it was like being whipped in the face," Laurina says. "Just pure pain. Like, I actually went into shock, I couldn't breathe for a second. And then I started feeling a bit traumatised, massively."

I've been skydiving. It doesn't feel like that. Perhaps my face is made of tougher stuff. Anyway, having amped up the melodrama, Laurina goes on to insist she has no issue with pies — OK, maybe she didn't appreciate being offered one by Blake, but usually she thinks they're totally delish.

"It wasn't that I can't enjoy a pie, like honestly, if I'm crazy famished, I'll get one from the servo and I'll eat it in the car and I'll get the pastry all over me. I can eat a pie!"

Those Four'N Twenty ads you always thought were aimed at blokes? Actually, Laurina was the target market all along.

"Seriously, I'll open my mouth like this and put the pie right in there. For real. No jokes. Stop laughing." Source: Channel 10

DISCUSSING LOUISE

The Bachelorettes have come up with a rather punchy nickname for Louise — "Stepford". If you don't get that reference, stop reading this and go brush up on your classic chick literature.

"She bakes, she cooks, she's got that whole Stepford Wife persona," says someone up the back whose name I forgot long ago.

"She's got that mix between ambition and being the homemaker, I think," Mary adds.

Chantal delves even deeper into the realm of psychoanalysis, suggesting the Bachelor is most interested in Louise's maternal qualities.

"Blake was brought up by two very strong women, so I think that Louise would have those really beautiful, nurturing, motherly qualities that he would find so attractive," Chantal says.

That screams "mummy issues" to me.

Louise from The Bachelor Source: Supplied

DISCUSSING JESSICA, LISA AND SAM

As you may recall, Jess told the other girls she had not kissed Blake during their first solo date. Now Osher shows them footage of her doing just that.

"Whoa, even tongue, Jessy! You little liar!" Amber says. "We call her magical Jess for a reason, because that is just magic."

"Why do you call her magical Jess?" Osher asks.

"Because of how she expresses herself at all times," Chantal replies, in a fair imitation of Jess's breathless simper. Nobody wants to mock Lisa though. She's almost as popular as Blake.

"She is personable, she's funny, you know she gets along with everyone," Holly says. "She stands up for someone when they're down, and she's hot as well. What more could you want in a woman?"

"They have so much fun, and I think in life, when you meet your partner, they're your best friend as well," Zoe adds.

Meanwhile, there's only one person on earth who adores Sam more than Blake does, and her name is Chantal.

"I just think Sam is such a beautiful woman. She's your quintessential Australian girl next door," she says.

"That was very real, what we saw there (Sam's highlights clip). It wasn't all gushy and mushy, it was like, wow ... jaw dropped."

Actually, it was pretty gushy. And very mushy. Just like everything else in this show.

We found one photo in which Lisa was not laughing. Source: News Corp Australia

PICKING THE WINNER

In his final interrogation, Osher asks some of the more prominent Bachelorettes to name Blake's future wife. I shall paraphrase their answers.

Zoe: I don't know. I have as much trouble committing to an answer as I had committing to some random bloke on national television.

Chantal: Very close between Jess and Sam. Sam. Or maybe Jess. I'm ridiculously confused here.

Anita: Jess. I stalked everyone incessantly, and she was easily the most impressive.

Laurina: Jess. And I'm definitely not feeling bitter towards her. I said I'm not feeling bitter. Urgh, someone bring me a comfort pie.

Kara: Lisa. We were best buddies before I got kicked off, and I'm a big fan of wishful thinking.

Diana: Jess. Because when it comes to relationships, love at first sight is far more important than any emotional depth.

Katrina: Jess. Because duh.

The Bachelor next screens at 7:30pm on Thursday, on Network Ten. Stay tuned right after the show for our recap. In the meantime, you can find Sam on Twitter: @SamClench

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