The Real Housewives of Melbourne (L-R): Lydia Schiavello, Andrea Moss, Chyka Keebaugh, Gina Liano, Janet Roach, Jackie Gillies. Source: News Limited
FOR weeks now, Real Housewives of Melbourne audience favourite Gina Liano has brushed off verbal attacks from several of the other cast members: She's late. She's rude. She's ugly. She's poor.
This week, she hits back.
But we'll get to that. Housewives being Housewives, episode nine opens with a booze-fuelled shopping trip (speaking of, did you test out our Housewives drinking game while you watched? If so, have you sought medical treatment?).
Janet and Chyka pop in for a visit to David Jones. Here's what 'shopping' looks like when you're unspeakably wealthy:
"Shopping is HARD." Source: Foxtel
Chyka asks Janet if she enjoyed her party in last week's episode — in particular, the surprise appearance by Gina.
"I nearly died. The crowd parted and Darth Vader appeared," Janet says, which we assume isn't a reference to Gina's magnificent hair-helmet.
Next up, we're with Gina, who's having a coffee with a representative from a dating agency. Yes, 'geographically impossible' relationship behind her, Gina's dipping her pedicured toe back into the singles scene.
Trudy from Elite Introductions asks Gina what she doesn't want in a man.
"If they've got a saliva problem or their thumbs stick out."
And that's literally it, fellas — all non-drooling, petite-thumbed applicants most welcome.
We'll get back to Gina's love life in a moment, but next we're at Lydia's house for the introduction of a new face, her housekeeper Johanna.
This woman deserves a medal. Source: Foxtel
"The hired help I've got is a very beautiful girl. I found her on the street," says Lydia, who sits intently in the kitchen and watches Johanna peel a carrot.
"I love the way you do that," she says, clearly awed. "Who taught you how to do that?"
"No-one," Johanna says, patiently. This isn't the first time she's had to field these sorts of questions from Lydia.
Lydia tells a story about her deep and special bond with Johanna.
"One morning when Johanna came into work, she came in with what looked like a huge tree. I said, 'Johanna, what have you found?' She had tears rolling down her face and said 'This is for you'. She had bought her family an acre of farm. They grow coconut and do all sorts of things. She's so appreciative — she's a saver."
Does anyone know what ANY of that meant? Answers on the back of a postcard, please.
This picture perfectly sums up Lydia and Johanna's relationship. Source: Foxtel
Lydia finishes with this appraisal of her "hired help":
"Johanna is more than a housekeeper, she's my very beautiful friend. She's my housefriend."
SHE'S. MY. HOUSEFRIEND.
Next we head to Jackie's house, where Chyka's dropping by to help with her La Mascara cocktail range. Now, Jackie has been known to describe absolutely everything in her life as 'having a real J Lo vibe,' but the intercom she has in her house seems like it's come straight out of the If You Had My Love video.
Wow, this intercom is giving me a real J Lo vibe. Source: Foxtel
With International Rock Star Ben and packaging designer Anton in tow, Jackie and Chyka go through the label mock-ups for La Mascara.
"Jackie and Ben actually created the artwork," says Anton.
"Here it is!" Jackie announces, theatrically throwing off a sheet to reveal the monstrosity she created while under some sort of psychic feather trance a few episodes back.
Yes, all art is subjective. However, this art is terrible. Source: Foxtel
"Oh my god," Chyka says quietly.
"I don't live in the real world," Jackie says, redundantly.
Chyka makes a hasty exit, because she's organised a shopping day for herself, Lydia, Andrea and Gina. She's hired a limo for the occasion and one by one, she collects the girls — including sworn enemies Gina and Andrea. It's ... pretty awkward.
Remember, Gina: Her vision is based on movement. Source: Foxtel
In a piece to camera, Gina helpfully sums up her issue with Andrea:
"You know if you don't care if someone's dead or alive? That's it."
Well, that's cleared that up then.
The foursome arrive at a Prue and Trude-esque homewares store for a look around. As they shop, Gina tells Chyka and Lydia she's planning a 'Girls Night In' event to raise money for a cancer charity. Given their frosty relationship, she's not sure if she should invite Andrea.
Lydia tells her to get over it.
"I'm not sure what part she wanted me to get over — the part that Andrea had morphed into a man? That she was aggressive? That she despised me?"
Gina's clearly quite chuffed with that 'morphed into a man' line, and she'll revisit it later in the episode.
Andrea and Lydia begin stage-whispering insults about Gina while she's browsing through the store just a few feet away.
Subtle, guys. Subtle. Source: Foxtel
At home later, Gina gets a call from Daryl, a potential match from the dating agency, who asks her out for a meal. She tells him she'll send him a message to "firm it up". Wait...they haven't even gone on a date and already she's sexting him?
Next we're in the studio with Jackie and Ben, who's hard at work on a new album. Yes, music fans, you breathe a sigh of relief: the drummer from Silverchair is working on fresh solo material.
Janet turns up at the studio, because clearly you can't make a good grunge-rock record without the presence of a 55-year-old property developer from Toorak.
"Oh Janet, I haven't rocked this hard since Rumba 2001!" Source: Foxtel
As Ben 'jams' (we promise we'll never use that term again), Janet and Jackie start doing embarrassing Valerie Cherish dancing. It feels like Janet's dangerously close to gathering the kids around and telling them stories about her days as a Leo Sayer groupie.
Jackie explains to Janet that Ben is so talented, he can play just about any instrument.
"Even he can play the harmonica?" Janet asks, wide-eyed.
Yes, Janet. Even he can play the harmonica.
The next day, we're at Chyka's house as she hosts a dress-up party for the other Housewives' dogs in an attempt to diffuse the growing tensions in the group.
"Everything was getting out of hand, so I decided it was time to have a party for our dogs," says Chyka. We may have fallen too far into the Housewives rabbit hole because this sounds completely reasonable to us. Please send help.
The girls crack open the champagne, because obviously you can't have a dog costume party without getting tanked.
"When's the stripper arriving?" Source: Foxtel
True to form, Gina's late to the dog party. When she does show up, Andrea's immediately pissed off.
"She called me a slang word for female external genitalia," Andrea says, recounting her problems with Gina. Dear reader, we'll admit we haven't spent a lot of time in that particular area, but if YOUR female genitalia is entirely external, we suggest you seek urgent medical attention.
Soon enough, the dogs are dressed in outfits that demean both animal and human.
"Please, put me in a shelter." Source: Foxtel
"The dogs behaved beautifully — there was no dog fighting," Chyka says, and we're genuinely unsure whether she's referring to the animals or the other Housewives.
Pooches sufficiently humiliated, the cameras follow Jackie and Ben as they visit the venue where they'll hold the La Mascara launch. The bar owner asks for some details about the drink they'll be launching — indeed, serving — in just a few weeks' time, and the couple speak vaguely about 'concepts' and 'vibes'. It's clear they're still hopelessly behind schedule.
"I do know one thing, the angels are on my side," says Jackie.
Ben asks, for the first time, what might happen if the angels AREN'T on their side — if La Mascara isn't the biggest thing to hit the liquor market since some bright spark thought to mix Midori and lemonade. Jackie does not respond well to all this 'neggo' talk:
"If youse mess with me I'll get my angels on to youse" Source: Foxtel
In the next scene, all the Housewives (sans Gina, naturally) head to a horse racing soiree hosted by Emirates. Brynne Edelsten is also in attendance at the party and Lydia gets VERY territorial - seems there's only room for one D-list hornbag in this town:
Gina's been stirring the pot off-camera this week: apparently she phoned Lydia to let her know that, a few episodes back, Janet had called her 'brainless.' Lydia decides to confront Janet, who gets very cranky.
"I did not say you were brainless, I said you were not very bright!"
That seems like splitting hairs to us, but thankfully we're provided with a flashback to the incident to refresh our memories. AND WE QUOTE: "Who cares about Lydia. She's friggin' brainless!"
Lydia, Andrea and Janet all launch into Gina while Jackie watches on excitedly.
"This bowl of salad is giving me a real J Lo vibe" Source: Foxtel
Janet and Gina meet up for a one-on-one showdown to close the show. Gina's dressed from head to toe in angelic white, Janet all in black — make of that costume decision what you will.
The pair rake over the problems that have emerged between them in recent weeks: Gina's persistent lateness; Janet siding with Andrea and Lydia whenever they attack Gina.
Gina finds time to mention that "Andrea morphed into a man" (second time around, she still loves that line).
Andrea and Gina: The showdown. Source: Foxtel
"Do you think the way they behaved at Mission Beach was acceptable?" asks Gina.
"Yes I do."
"Well, that's the end of the friendship then."
It's all pretty sad, to be honest. Fights between Andrea and Gina are a guilty pleasure because the pair weren't friends before the show started and they won't be friends afterwards — with no emotional investment, it's just a fabulously boozy bitch-off.
But here we are, nine episodes in, and it appears the 20-year friendship between Janet and Gina is over.
Furious, Janet leaves the table and storms off into the night. Of course, Housewives being Housewives, she does so while still glugging her glass of wine, which somewhat lessens the intended effect:
"I am LEAVING! Hold up just lemme finish this delicious sem sav blanc" Source: Foxtel
The Real Housewives of Melbourne screens 8:30pm Sundays on Arena and if you aren't watching it you need to re-evaluate your life choices.
Previous recaps:
The ultimate Real Housewives of Melbourne drinking game
Episode 8: 'She's a poor ugly dog'
Episode 7: Legal threats and helicopter sex
Episode 6: Everybody Hates Gina
Episode 5: Meeting in the ladies room
Episode 4: One-night stands and drunk ski trips
Episode 3: Girls gone wild
Episode 2: Angels and demons
Episode 1: In their own words
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