What we can learn from celebrities in a jungle

Laura Dundovic could learn a few things in the jungle. Source: Supplied

I'M LEARNING so many life lessons from watching I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, and not just lessons about personal hygiene.

In fact nothing whatsoever about personal hygiene.

I mean, I knew television was educational, but I didn't realise just HOW educational. Except for that bit where Laura Dundovic lights a fire with a flint and some sticks and then says "now we're cooking with gas!". Except for that bit.

What have I learned?

That weight loss is as simple as starving yourself and mostly being too weak to move.

Disappearing physical bulk is a constant theme among the campers, as a restricted diet, muscle wastage and no doubt countless flesh-eating river flukes dissolve body weight.

Even Tyson comments that his shorts are about to fall off him. There is a resulting brief surge in ratings in the women-and-gay-men-who-are-alive-and-have-eyes demographic.

No ... ac ... pectoral ... no activ ... I'm sorry, I lost concentration. Source: Supplied

Tyson, you big hunk of spunk. Source: Supplied

Honestly, if it wasn't for people doing jumping jacks, headstands, and Tyson's shirtless sweaty handstand-push-ups, there'd be no activity ... no ... ac ... pectoral ... no activ ... I'm sorry, I lost concentration.

That Lauren has roughly eight thousand pairs of swimming togs.

Seriously. One cossie for every mood and zero actual shirts.

Someone find Lauren a top. Source: Supplied

That holding your hands as if you're deflecting a knife attack isn't the best way to catch stars.

Determined to improve her previous challenge score of No Stars And A Ruined Manicure On One Hand, Laura heads out of camp to participate in something called 'Screech For The Stars'. Five perspex boxes full of unthinkable muck hang menacingly in the trees as Julia and Dr Chris explain the challenge. Laura must stand underneath the boxes, trying to catch stars as they prolapse cockroaches, maggots, algae and offal onto her head and, as we find out, really quite robustly into her bra.

... that's a lot of unthinkables ... Source: Supplied

Take a big breathe ... Source: Supplied

Eek. Watch the bra. Source: Supplied

Laura's tactic is to hold her flat hands above her head, palms out, in exactly the way that someone who wanted to catch a lot of stars wouldn't. Weirdly, she doesn't catch many stars, and by the time the fifth box, full of offal, is ready to discharge its contents, Laura chickens out and heads back to camp. She just doesn't have the guts for guts, but she does make some meals out of meal worms.

WORDPLAY.

That maggots, cockroaches, algae and offal are only as disgusting as their context dictates.

Only two stars means the usual Great Big Bag Of Farts On A Rope becomes the Disappointing Bag Of Offcuts On A Rope as dinner, ostrich neck, is delivered via pulley system.

Chrissie calls it a 'garnish'.

Lauren may not be able to contain her hunger-rage much longer. The ostrich finds their complaints more than a little trivial.

It's hard to believe that just hours ago, Laura had boxes full of more appealing protein literally at her fingertips. What the campers wouldn't do for a big sizzling pan full of bra-offal right now.

THANKS LAURA.

Clearly, she's impressed. Source: Supplied

Jo Thornely doesn't get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely

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