The hilarious truth behind I’m a Celebrity

Joel Creasey puts his hand down the 'mystery hole' Source: Supplied

SO IT'S only two episodes into I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, and even if we can't agree on what we're shortening that mouthful of lumpy rocks to ('Celeb'? 'I'm A Celeb'? 'The Marcia Show'?), I think we can agree that a handful of themes are emerging:

Theme One: It's Much More Than A Hunch That Maureen Is A Rare And Special Individual.

I have to say, I don't miss the confidence and pale-eyshadowed sass of pre-teen Marcia Brady at all, compared to 2015 Maureen. If anything, the South African word for 'Marcia' is 'Jan'.

Just like Jan, Maureen is a little awkward, especially when walking to and from the Camp Crapper in the dark with arms waving like a mime in molasses.

Just like Jan, Maureen has an imaginary boyfriend — Jan's was George Glass, Maureen's is Joel Creasey. Admittedly Jan never straddled George Glass and Laura Dundovic in bed at dawn cooing about muscles, but it was a different time.

Theme Two: We Get It. You're In South Africa

Ha ha! Julia and Dr Chris read some tweets that said they're in the Blue Mountains! Absurd, especially considering that between every ad break or scene change, editors are squeezing in as many short clips of terrifying and lethal African animals as they can. I'm calling these segments the 'Transitions Of Terror'. Come, scream with me.

Theme Three: Merv Hughes Is Playing The Role Of An Incredulous Hairy Potato

I secretly love that Merv Hughes sleeps a lot (Merv SNOOZE am I right, everyone? High five), wants to poke snakes, has a friendly go at everyone and no doubt farts like a champion. I'd be willing to bet that three quarters of the horror at the bottom of the Camp Crapper is courtesy of one of the world's finest fast bowlers.

This episode he had his first shower in three days, proving that if you want to grow a healthy crop of shoulder hair, constant irrigation system is unnecessary.

Theme Four: That Joel And Chrissie Are Australia's Dung Beetle Darlings

... this moment — when he thrust his hand into a dung hole — was one of them. Source: Supplied

There are many reasons we want to hug Joel Creasey ... Source: Supplied

The nation understands Maureen McCormick's soft spot for Swann and Creasey, not least because 'Swann and Creasey' sounds like a really solid yacht rock band. You just want to hug the stuffing out of both of them, despite the fact that they've both been in close contact with the stuffing of numerous terrifying multi-legged animals.

When Joel thrust his hand into numerous holes filled with dung and snakes, and also when he did the Tucker Trial, you wanted to hug him.

When Chrissie turned wildebeest and okra into a gourmet stir-fry, you wanted to hug her.

And when Joel said to Chrissie "You had offal dropped on your face — they're not doing that on MKR", you wanted to hug both of them and also the tireless lawyers at Channel Ten.

Theme Five: That Kyle Sandilands' Chest Is Exactly As Interesting As You'd Expect

'Celebrity Chest', in which a non-jungled celebrity sends a gift-containing chest to the campers, is the world's most time-consuming way to ultimately disappoint people. First Laura Dundovic and Andrew Daddo (who I have morphed into the hybrid celebrity 'DundoDaddovic'), trek for half an hour towards a big log, then saw through the log to get a key, then open a chain on a wooden chest before lugging the chest for half an hour back to camp.

Everyone answers a question about macadamia nuts ("Half past two!" answers Maureen McCormick), and the gift, supplied tonight by Kyle Sandilands, is revealed.

The relief that it's not mashed pumpkin soon gives way to confusion that it's an electronic flyswatter, just like the ones nobody wants ever.

Theme Six: We're Going To Need A Glossary

Just to make sure everybody understands all of the complex concepts inherent in I'm A Celebrity, I think I should include a glossary of important terms. Maybe bookmark this page so you can refer back to it later. You're welcome.

Bam-Boons — jungle primates that Maureen spots on the way back from the Camp Crapper.

Damnson- what I say every time Tyson takes his shirt off, leading me to believe it's his actual name.

Jungle Boogers — deep, deep snot that must be mined and then flung onto the jungle floor.

Bone Soup — swamp water with bits of gazelle spine floating in it. Mm-mm.

The Smooth Comedy Stylings Of Dr Chris Brown — puns, mostly.

Good Frog Bad Frog Or Just Frog — any game with no clear rules that is neither good nor fun.

Great Big Bag Of Farts On A Rope — meals.

The Yuck Of The Draw — other meals.

There. I reckon that explains everything, except for what Merv Hughes could possibly be disgusted by in his Tucker Trial in the next episode.

Matching cutlery?

Jo Thornely doesn't get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely

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