Racy ... Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson get it on in Fifty Shades of Grey. Picture: Universal Source: Supplied
'Fifty Shades of Grey' is just days away, so what scenes should we be looking out for when it hits theaters? Here are the star's favorites.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (MA15+)
Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson
Starring: Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson
Rating: **1/2
STAND back, everyone!
The keys to the kinkdom have finally been produced. Your entry into the forbidden world of Fifty Shades of Grey awaits.
So is all the heavy breathing hype gusting around this adaptation of the E.L. James-penned erotic blockbuster in any way justified?
Kind of. Let's put it like this: it is totally trashy, but in no way absolute garbage.
For the most part, the initial screen incarnation of Fifty Shades is a sedately salacious affair.
Anyone expecting a prurient pushing of the envelope is bound to be disappointed. At its most risque, this movie will only go as far as suggestively licking the stamps.
Then again, rabid readers of James' bones-jumping, bum-thwacking books probably already knew the filmmakers would go soft with the harder stuff.
Steamy ... Fifty Shades of Grey is trashy but not garbage. Picture: Universal Source: Supplied
Nevertheless, this Fifty Shades takes some conspicuously wide swerves around the pervier inclinations of the book. So much so that newcomers to the 50SOG cult will have cause to wonder what all the fuss is about.
There ain't much happening on the story front here, which actually does end up working in the movie's favour, funnily enough.
All that has to be covered in the need-to-know department is that naive young college student Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is on a carnal collision course with a slightly older, much richer dude named Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).
STAR: In bed with Fifty Shades star Dakota
50 SHADES: What is the verdict?
Kinky ... Christian Grey introduces Anastasia Steele to bondage and other alternative pursuits. Picture: Supplies Source: Supplied
Inexperienced as she is, Anastasia can sense there is more to the mysterious Mr Grey — who must have a shedload of money, because he has a helicopter with his surname stencilled on the side — than first meets her untrained eye.
Turns out Christian is quite the bondage-and-discipline enthusiast (among, err, other 'alternative' pursuits that aren't quite printable here).
So if there is to be some kind of relationship in the offing, certain bedroom boundaries will need to be set. Or crossed. Or erased.
Who really knows? Or even cares? (Yes, I can hear you: just get to the sex business already. Let's go there then.)
Mega rich bondage enthusiast ... Jamie Dornan plays helicopter-owning Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey. Picture: AP Photo/Universal Pictures and Focus Features Source: AP
When it comes to talking the tawdry talk, the Christian-Anastasia thing works a treat.
Perhaps the most efficient (even endearing) aspect of 50SOG is that it features two people speaking frankly about a sexual relationship.
Not just what they will and won't do (though the notorious 'terms of agreement' material from the book is very much to the fore in the film). But also what they wish to gain from all that pleasure and pain.
This is a rarity for a Hollywood film, and a refreshing one at that.
But hey, let's not get too carried away, because often in Fifty Shades of Grey, the intentionally sensual can become unintentionally funny in seconds flat.
It doesn't help at all that many of the fleshier escapades are shot like a next-gen 9-1/2 Weeks. (The sudden brandishing of a single peacock feather during one encounter might be the most anti-aphrodisiac image committed to film in 2015.)
Chemistry ... Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is on a carnal collision course with Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). Picture: Universal Source: Supplied
50SOG aficionados will be happy enough with a handful of extended exploratory trips inside Christian's hallowed horn-dog HQ: the infamous 'Red Room of Pain.'
Yes, it does loos a bit like a sex dungeon designed by Ikea (with the addition of a few ropes and cable-ties from Bunnings). But it does the biz as a place for Christian and Ana to do their biz.
What about the performances? Well, it must be said both of the relatively inexperienced leads cope quite serviceably with the obligatory tasks of titillation they've been given.
For Johnson, that means spending an inordinate amount of screen time blindfolded, breathless and boobs out.
Dornan's job is to be buff, bossy and behind a bulge in his trousers whenever possible.
However, as silly as they can be sometimes made to look, the couple do share a credible sexual chemistry on-screen that saves many a steamy scene from expiring due to premature evaporation.
Anything else that needs to be put on record about 50 Shades of Grey right now?
Laughing all the way to the bank ... E.L. James made sure her readers would be happy with the movie. Picture: Charles Sykes/Invision/AP Source: AP
Well, at a running time of just over two hours, it probably outstays its welcome by 15 minutes or so.
With one or two minor exceptions, the music score is bland, intrusive and about as erotic as Katy Perry's Roar played on a kazoo.
The ending is a little bit of a baffler: not so much a cliffhanger as a swift zipper-upperer. No major harm done though. After all, there's at least two more 50SOG sequels to come.
Overall, no-one's going to be needing a cold shower after this. However, half a glass of something beforehand in the company of like-minded friends is definitely recommended.
You can follow Leigh Paatsch on Twitter: @leighpaatsch
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