"My four girlfriends, all in the same room. This isn't awkward." Source: Channel 10
JESS contracted a sudden, vicious bout of common sense, Sam took off most of her clothes and Blake forgot where he parked his car.
All that and more in our recap of The Bachelor, or as it should be called this week, Meet the Parents. Read on ...
Last night's recap
Jessica gets steamy
LOUISE'S FAMILY
Blake links up with Louise in Thredbo, which is exciting, because he's never seen snow before.
"It's so crisp and white, and you just look across the mountains and you see it there. It's something that's seriously out of a movie for me," he says. How very amazing. You'd swear he'd just laid eyes on a real, live unicorn.
They do all the generic snow things together — snow angels, a snowball fight and a sled race. Actually, the whole afternoon is pretty racy, as Blake and Louise can't stop snogging each other. Geez, Louise.
Snog one. Source: Channel 10
Snog two. Source: Channel 10
Snog three. Count 'em! Source: Channel 10
Understandably, as he thrashes around in the snow, Blake says he feels ridiculous.
"Don't! There's no one else here, just me," Louise replies. Apparently cameramen don't count as people.
When playtime is over, they brace themselves for the much-anticipated family meeting, and Louise does her best to ease Blake's nerves.
"I do have three brothers. Very strong, very confident, they're very protective," she says.
"This is a veeeery important thing for me. Veeeery important. If my family doesn't approve then I don't approve."
No pressure then.
"If my brothers don't like you, we're pretty much done." Source: Channel 10
"That sounds ... fair?" Source: Channel 10
Blake's dinner date with destiny starts well enough, as Louise's starry-eyed mother appears to seriously consider stealing him for herself.
"Blake is definitely easy on the eye," she tells the camera. "I can see why Louise likes him."
The father is much more intimidating, particularly after Blake spills champagne on his pants.
"I look at people's body language and how they handle themselves," Dad says. "Probably give me half an hour or an hour, and I can see whether it will last or is just a brief thing."
I wonder what Mr Body Language Expert thought of that "eye-rubbing" episode with Laurina last week?
"So, Blake ... how do you feel about older women? Source: Channel 10
"Spill any more drinks on me and you're a dead man." Source: Channel 10
After some brief one-on-one bonding, Louise's dad gives Blake his blessing.
"I didn't see that there was any fakeness there. Yes, he's smooth, yes he's got all of those good looks and all that, but let's cut through that. He was genuine, he looked me in the eye, he shook my hand. I can't ask for any more."
Well, you could ask him not to spill champagne on you. Or to make up his damn mind and stop stringing your daughter along. Or to offer up some sort of dowry. A goat, perhaps.
Having achieved victory in his charm offensive, Blake farewells Louise with yet another pash, and rides off into the sunrise to find one of his other girlfriends.
"It was so hard to see Blake go, because I knew he was going to meet other families. It's very confronting," Louise says. You don't say?
"Babe, it's been like, three minutes since our last pash. Come here." Source: Channel 10
SAM'S FAMILY
Blake's reunion with Sam is a festival of deep sighs and excited squeals.
"The butterflies are definitely going," Sam says. Remember the butterflies? They first attacked during that date at The Tea Room in Sydney, when she dropped some mints down her dress. No danger of that this time, because Blake and Sam are stripping down to their swimwear and lounging around in a hot spring. Steamy Jess would be proud.
"I'm glad to see you're wearing your lovely necklace," Blake says. We all know what he actually means: "I'm glad you're wearing hardly anything."
"Well, this is new." Source: Channel 10
"I love what you're not wearing." Source: Channel 10
Once their clothes are back on, Blake approaches Sam's family with a bouquet of flowers, which is much larger than the one he gave to Louise's folks. That's definitely a sign. Louise may as well give up right now.
Ten people are waiting for the jolly couple inside — good luck remembering all those names, Blake — but the most important of them is Sam's sister. She leads him into the knife-laden kitchen for a private interrogation.
"Are you falling for Sam?" she asks, surrounded by potential murder weapons.
"I should let you know that I am falling for Sam," Blake responds. That answer seems to earn her approval.
"Blake, would you mind accompanying me to the kitchen? I want to grill you." Source: Channel 10
"He honestly comes across as quite a genuine person," she tells Sam later. "I can really sense from him that he's falling for you. I can definitely see him being a part of our family."
At this point, we've been watching the show for about half an hour without witnessing a mental breakdown. In other words, we're in the middle of a severe tear drought. So, even though everything has gone perfectly, Sam decides to chuck a fit.
"I was really happy, but I'm terrified as well," she says as Blake prepares to leave. "It just felt so good having you in my home, with my family, but then I just have to remember that it is what it is."
That outburst is followed by the most excruciating silence since Laurina decided to yap about the Melbourne property market.
So much for happy families. Source: Channel 10
As always, Blake interprets his girlfriend's deep, emotional confession as a refusal to open up.
"I'm being as vulnerable as I can and letting her know what I feel, and she couldn't return that," he whines.
"I'm confused. After all we've gone through and everything we've done, she's doubting herself. She's doubting us and our connection together."
Of course she's doubting herself, you twit. You're dating three other women.
"I am leaning back to show my displeasure." Source: Channel 10
LISA'S FAMILY
Lisa's hometown is Noosa, so if Blake has any sense, he'll declare her the winner right now. There are certainly worse places to live.
"I've only ever brought one guy home, and I dated him for four years before he got to meet the family," she says. Talk about a change of pace.
Blake appears in a tank top, strolling nonchalantly along the beach, and Lisa laughs deliriously at his puny arm muscles.
"Time to stop hugging now Lisa, my arms are getting tired." Source: Channel 10
There's nothing puny about her house though.
"It's huuuuuuuuge!" Blake yells as they approach the megamansion in a pair of kayaks. Yes, it's accessible via kayak — that's how loaded Lisa's family is. Now would be a good time to start digging for gold, Blake.
Lisa clearly comes from a humble background. Source: Channel 10
"That house of yours is oarsome." Source: Channel 10
The Bachelor shares a barbecue with Lisa's dad, mum and sister. They all seem pretty laid back, and I'm too busy salivating over the food to pay attention to the conversation, so let's presume he's making a good impression.
When the two lovers reconvene outside afterwards, Lisa tells Blake she's properly serious about their relationship.
"You know I don't always talk about (that), but I mean it when I say it," she says. Then they pash. And pash. And pash.
This date has been an unmitigated success, and I say so without any of that "tongue in cheek" nonsense. Although obviously, Blake's tongue is firmly embedded in Lisa's cheek right now.
"You can't expect me to conduct a coherent conversation with this food wafting sumptuous scents at me." Source: Channel 10
"Babe, that's not how a piggyback works." Source: Channel 10
JESSICA'S FAMILY
Blake meets Jessica at Ocean Beach on the NSW Central Coast. He says he wants to come up with a more comprehensive picture of his relationship with Jess going forward, but we already know what it would be like — lots of lusty staring, breathless talking and raw sexual tension without any remotely interesting conversation.
As they share fish and chips at the end of the pier, the world's most wistful person says something typically ... sensible?
"I would want to date for a period of time before, say, living together," Jess says.
"You still need to keep that independence. If you lose yourself in a relationship, then the relationship isn't capable of sustaining only one person for being who they originally were."
"Oh dear. I think I might be coming down with a case of common sense." Source: Channel 10
Moving on from that shocking dose of realism, they drive to Jess's parents' house, where her father immediately fixates on the one thing that matters in a potential son-in-law.
"It was nice to receive a firm handshake," he says.
The boys decide to go fishing while the girls prepare dinner — no, this show definitely doesn't promote sexist stereotypes. Blake, who must be sick of answering awkward questions by now, goes on the offensive instead.
"Mmm, firm hands. You're OK, kiddo." Source: Channel 10
"Do you think Jess is ready for something serious? Ready for something lasting?" he asks. That's followed by a loooooong silence.
"Gee, ahh, umm, I think Jess's dream will be to find the right person. And I think when she does, she'll be ready," Dad responds. Eventually.
The tension continues at dinner, as Jess's mum tries to get her head around the whole "one guy dating four girls" thing.
"In real life, dating four women at the same time would be ..." she starts.
"Something I wouldn't do," Blake interjects.
What? This is real life. That's why they call it reality TV, right?
"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." Source: Channel 10
"In real life, my daughter would never have met this bloke and we wouldn't have to deal with all this palava." Source: Channel 10
After dinner, Blake and Jess chat on the porch.
"I feel I'm ready for something ... for something longer lasting," Blake says, as though he's auditioning to appear in one of those ads for premature ejaculation products.
They kiss for a while — bet you didn't see that coming — and then Blake walks off into the night, never to be seen again. At least, not until the commercial break finishes.
"Are ... are you trying to tell me something about your sex life?" Source: Channel 10
THE ROSE CEREMONY
And so we reach the 576th edition of "our most tense rose ceremony yet".
"I had such a good time at my hometown, and I hope Blake did as well," Lisa tells the camera. Of course he had a good time, Lisa. It's Noosa. The place exists for the sole purpose of showing people a good time.
As if to prove that point, Blake gives Lisa the first rose.
Louise: "Hey Blake, check out this top. Definitely roseworthy, don't you think?" Source: Channel 10
Louise gets the next one, because she has the unfair advantage of living near snow, and snow is just the coolest. That leaves Jess and Sam. Blake asks the former to step outside with him.
"My head tells me that you're not ready for the love that I'm looking for, and I'd like you to tell me if I'm the man for you," he says. Jess foolishly persists with her new-found sensibleness.
"True, long, deep, lasting love isn't something you can rush. It's not a process you can just turn on," she says.
Jess goes back inside, but Blake stays in the garden for a while. He seems to have forgot where he parked his car.
"I left my soppiness at home tonight. I'm soooo sorry Blake." Source: Channel 10
"Dude, seriously, where's my car?" Source: Channel 10
Finally, Blake rejoins the four Bachelorettes. He picks up the last rose. He looks down at his shoes. He glances at Sam and Jess. He looks at his shoes again. He twiddles the rose between his fingers. He stares at Sam. He stares at Jess. He examines the shoes one more time. Then, about 10 minutes later, he picks Sam.
Jess may be leaving, but she's still a card-carrying member of the Blake cult.
"You are an incredible man. And you deserve love," she says before hopping into her limo.
That sums up the core message of this show pretty nicely. See you next week.
"Never in doubt." Source: Channel 10
"Oh god, the footy's on. I'm totally missing it." Source: Channel 10
The Bachelor next screens at 7:30pm on Wednesday, on Network Ten. Stay tuned right after the show for our recap. In the meantime, you can find Sam on Twitter: @SamClench
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