Watching. Judging. Waiting. #Pickle Source: Supplied
The Cat photobombing my post-workout selfie. Pickle 1-0 CP. Source: Supplied
Born killer. Olympic sleeper.
Lord of the manor, hero of the internet, guardian of the shut-in spinster, sworn enemy of The Dog Person.
Sunbaker and prowler whose left-over food and excess hair and litterbox blankets your house with a smell which can only be described as: "I wear the pants here and you know it. Do something about it."
When you think about it, there's not much going for the cat. It's probably why people say things like "I hate cats" or "I'm going to put it in the dishwasher".
Until I met Pickle, The Girlfriend's "fur child", I was a hater. Have you ever looked into a cat's eyes for two or more seconds at a time? Nothing but scornful disdain. And cats are always there. Watching. Judging. Waiting. Feed me. Pat me. Don't pat me. Pat me again. Never touch me. OK, just a little. We're done now. Medicate me.
Now I've gotten to know Pickle (we reached an… "understanding") I've come to learn cats actually have uses. They keep you on a tight schedule. They burn your self-esteem. They photobomb your post-workout selfies. And as much as we love dogs, cats aren't so needy.
The internet loves cats. It's because we don't understand them. There's a certain curiosity and mystery to them. They drive. They read newspapers. Their grammar is impeccable. But has the novelty worn off? Has the cat had its day basking in the http-sun? Have we reached caturation point? Can't we just resume our collective dislike for the self-absorbed little douchebeasts?
I don't think so, and here's why: Cats are us and we are them. They are basically humans except they're not humans. We don't love Grumpy Cat because it's grumpy and it's a cat. We love Grumpy Cat because WE are Grumpy. We need them.
"I've always said, 'Let Bartlet Be Bartlet'." Source: Supplied
It's why we coo when they sit up in bed and watch The West Wing. It's the reason we hit Instagram the moment they stand on two feet ("He thinks he's people!"). It's the only explanation for why we give and give and give, and they only take, yet we continue to give. They're like an a***hole grandmother who spews vitriol and forgets your birthday but you love all the same.
Indeed, the cat is an enigmatic creature. Highly intelligent. Fiercely independent. And not for the needy, according to Dr Lisa from Bondi Vet.
"Their love is conditional. It's always on the cat's terms," she told news.com.au. "They love the owners if they do what they want. Cats are much more fussy than dogs. They think they're above humans. Dogs are always just 'there'. But a cat will be on the bookshelf, or on a kitchen bench, looking down on their owners, their slaves.
"They believe we are subservient to them. Some people quite like that cats are self-sufficient and happy to do their own thing: what they want, how they want and when they want. "
Oh. So that's why The Girlfriend and I crave Pickle's attention so much it HURTS. "They're highly intelligent. They're much wiser than anyone would believe," Dr Lisa added.
I don't care if they're smart. I just want their approval. I want them to look at me with loving eyes. Not sinister, cunning, judgment, watch-your-step-or-it'll-be-your-last, eyes.
"They plan and they think and tend to have that enigmatic manner about them," says Dr Lisa.
So, really, really, watch your step.
Then there's the final piece in the cat puzzle: the aging single woman, aka the Crazy Cat Lady. She collects the things for sport. She talks to them about shopping and having too much salt in their diet. She can be overheard inviting acquaintances over to their studio to "meet the gang".
But maybe the Crazy Cat Lady holds the key to unlocking the mystery. Does she know something we don't? Can she talk to them? Has she washed her hair since the summer of 2004? Let's ask this anonymous stranger how she feels:
Yeeeeeeeah. She lives alone. (Picture: Tumblr) Source: Supplied
Way to keep the mystery alive.
Chris is currently trying to convince #Pickle to LOVE HIM. Also, he's on Twitter: @christoforpaine
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