Don't even think about smoothing Fifi's hair in place if you see her in the street. Picture: Nick Scott Source: National Features
LIKE most people, I always try to look my best and often rely on others to alert me if I have a glob of mascara on my cheek or if an outfit makes my derriere look big.
But, sometimes, this assistance crosses a line and what should merely be a suggestion becomes a hands-on invasion of personal space.
I recently became the victim of what I call 'unwelcome grooming'. There I was, enjoying myself at a function, when a stranger walked up to me, mid conversation, and pointed out I had some stray hairs swaying above my head as though I'd stuck a fork in an electrical socket.
"Darling," he said, "I've wanted to do this all night." And, with that, he licked the palm of his hand and smoothed the offending hairs with his damp, sticky mitt.
Yes, that's right, a man I'd never met before decided that, rather than suffer the embarrassment of a few errant split ends, I'd prefer his saliva smeared all over my head.
To some, this might not be confronting but, as someone who has a borderline phobia of other people's bodily fluids, it made me want to dip my head in a bath. (In my defence, the average mouth carries more bacteria than a toilet seat.)
His unwelcome grooming took me back to being five and having Mum attack my chocolate-stained face with a tissue she'd first saturated with spit. It's bad enough to wake from a nap with your own drool on your face, but having someone else's drool on my face sends my gross barometer soaring.
Unfortunately, unwelcome grooming isn't limited to hand-lickers. Look out for groomers who presume you don't like your jeans low-slung and promptly pull them up on your behalf (this should only be permitted if the offender is showing an extreme degree of bum cleavage).
Then there are those who insist on picking things off your face. A friend once leant in to pluck a fallen eyelash off my cheek, which turned out to be a lamentably long facial hair that was still attached to its follicle. Another pal doesn't just point out something lodged in my teeth, he insists on scraping it out himself.
It's time for victims of unwelcome grooming to unite and stand up to this audacious invasion of personal space. Once and for all, we say no to wet tissues on our cheeks and alien fingers plucking hairs from our faces and poppy seeds from between our teeth.
Let's all agree personal grooming is best left to the individual. If you ever find yourself compelled to lick your hand and wipe it on someone's hair, for God's sake, reach for a can of hairspray, instead.
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